Children and Divorce
A man and a woman get married. They decide to start a family and live a beautiful life together. Baby number one comes along and things change. Baby number two comes shortly after, followed by baby number three. With each child comes new stress – more bills to pay, no time to do the things you used to, and oftentimes, tension within the marriage. What you end up with is unmet expectations. A husband/father who feels pressured and a wife/mother who feels overwhelmed.
What happens next?
Unfortunately, for some, this is a recipe for divorce. And usually when divorce is on the table – the ugliness gets uglier. There’s fighting, bickering, and blaming – all of which lawyers love. Every email, phone call, and argument line their pockets. The question is, how is this good for anybody? If you’re in this situation and have kids, I beg you, please don’t play this game. Don’t give in to the fighting, bickering, and blaming. Nobody wins, and the kids always lose. They lose because they see their parents disrespecting one another. They see two people who once loved each other be ugly toward one another.
The thing is, at some point, you two loved each other enough to create your family. Those children will forever be your responsibility. You may no longer be husband and wife, but you’re still Mom and Dad on the same team. You still wear the same jersey.
Even after the divorce is final and all the dust has settled, the fighting and arguing shouldn’t continue, especially if it isn’t going anywhere. At that point, it’s all redundant. The arguing, the name calling, the blaming – all of this causes irreparable damage on your children.
A Message To Mothers Going Through Divorce
Don’t use your children as a pawn. They aren’t players in a game. A father has just as much of a right to have contact with his children as their mother does. Work together as much as you possibly can to lighten the burden for your kids. They should feel comfortable to show each of you love and affection – even when you’re all around each other. Your children have the right to love both of you equally. Set your pride aside and always think before you act. Ask yourself, “how will this affect my children?” Their futures rely on the two of you being able to blend your worlds.
I know from personal experience just how hard this is. As hard as it was to say goodbye to my children when it was time for them to be with their father, I always wished them well. I wanted them to enjoy their time with him. I also wanted them to be able to talk about their time with him in front of me. Asking them to not talk about it is confusing and creates emotional stress. They didn’t ask to be put in this situation. Please don’t make it any harder than it has to be.
If you find yourself in an abusive situation, please talk to a professional or legal advisor of some sort.
Helping Children Cope With Divorce
Unfortunately, many children end up in divorce situations without any guidance or emotional support. Kids already have enough to deal with. There’s so much depression and anxiety in today’s world, especially in our younger generations. Divorce is tough for those going through it, and when you have children, they’re going through it too. Make sure you’re giving them the support they need. They may not understand how to cope.
Remember, even after a divorce, you and your ex are still on the same team wearing the same jersey. Please, support your children, set a good example, and don’t let a divorce be more damaging that it has to be.
Mind your children and they’ll mind you.